I’m a Loser

Disregarding the fact I couldn’t even organise sex in the backroom of a gay nightclub there are a numerous number of reasons why I am in fact a total loser.

1. I pretend I’m in a music video - There have been several occasions when I have pretended that I am not only some kind of megamusicman® but that I am also starring in my own music video, usually when I’m suffering from sleep depravation and a funky 80s track comes on my iPod.
2. I can’t sleep if it’s silent - I dunno why this is and I should probably just take sleeping pills, but I just cannot sleep if it’s silent i.e. without music, a podcast or something.
3. I host a cooking show when I’m making shizzle - I totally stole this from Riley, but I also do it. Whenever I’m alone and I find myself cooking I pretend I’m hosting some kind of cooking show, with instructions et cetera.
4. I shout at the TV - This is totally irrational and it usually happens when the Royal Family or Gordon Brown comes on the news but I do it to an extreme degree.
5. My love life doesn’t exist - I know I’m gonna get shot down for this but fuck it. I’ve never been with anyone.
6. I talk to myself when sat on the toilet - I think this is probably to help me think about things. Some people read things on the toilet (HELLO, HYGENE!) but that’s just disgusting. I think, but usually that involves me talking to myself — whisper actually.
7. I can’t go in public - Kind of a gross one but we were talking about toilets. I find it IMPOSSIBLE to go to the loo when I’m in public. It can be the nicest toilet in the world, and there can be nobody around but I still won’t go. *Shrugs*
8. I have no life - This is obvious, but if you’re reading this you don’t either. I’m spending my Saturday night writing a blog post about things that mean nothing to nobody — exciting.
9. I own a Charlotte Church song - Please, don’t judge me. I was young (12), naïve, I didn’t know what I was doing and she suckered me in with her flat voice and terrible lyrics; I know that now.
10. I listen to music to make myself cry - I don’t know. Sometimes I just get in a mood where there is nothing I want to do more than cry my eyes out and feel sorry for myself. Music people commit suicide to and is listen all around by wrist-slashers and self-harms is good, but I generally find a little Bic Runga, or dare I say it James Blunt (that’s like old skool now).