"I'M THE KING OF CHRISTMAS!"
As you well know I love Christmas, that was frankly obvious from my post a couple of days ago. I was discussing with some friends yesterday as to why Christmas actually exists. Now I’m not talking about all that Jesus Jargon™ as nobody pays attention to that these days. I’m talking about why the hell it’s actually when it is in the year.
Everyone knows that it wasn’t the date of Mr. Christ’s birth, some twat way back when thought it would be a giggle to change it to the middle of the worst season, winter. You Aussies and Kiwis have it good, nice sunshine, a beach, pop some meat on the barb-e and rip open some pressies come the 25th. It was however some English dude that changed the date but why the fuck did he do it?
Let us expand a little before I answer this very important question that will decide the fate of all of our lives (even the Jews and Jehovahs are scared). Christmas is in the middle of Winter and there is this lame conspiracy theory that it was changed because it was in clashing with an otherwise more important holiday that nobody these days has heard of. Christmas is it. The big one. The top dog. JESUS’S FRICKING BIRTHDAY. Winter is the most hideous season, this is clear. There is nothing but having to force yourself to get out of bed to total darkness that could be mistaken for 10pm. The cold clasps you in its wrath, however hard you look there is no escape. This year it gets worse with more rain than ever before; at least that’s how it feels.
So why did this cretin put this wonderful day in the middle of a horrible month? “I think you’re being harsh, he’s no cretin!”. You know, you’re right. This fabulous man knew exactly what he was doing. He knew the English who had nothing but shoddy weather and horrible mornings needed a bloody break. Christmas is the only thing in the winter that people have to look forward to. A day off, time to relax and to get away from these mornings and this weather. I don’t know about you but I tried my damn-est to avoid leaving the house on the 25th and I don’t think I shall this year.
And I have just one thing to you people in the southern hemisphere: BASTARDS!
It’s no secret that when it comes to Christmas I’m like a little kid. I get all excited usually when December 1st arrives. This year though was different. December 1st arrived and I popped open the first door of my advent calendar to find a Christmas pudding shaped chocolate (yes I still have one!) but I wasn’t excited.
Some angel I munched
I’m blaming work. We’ve had the Christmas trees up in there and hideous Christmas toys that make me want to smash them by driving over them in my mum’s car since the middle of November; that’s just too early. At home we don’t even have our Christmas tree up yet! My sister, Hannah, is still at uni and won’t be back until next weekend. Usually we put the tree up on a Saturday, two weeks before Christmas, but this year we’ll have to put it up on the Sunday, again thanks to work.
It may seem weird but we have very set traditions when it comes to Christmas. The tree is a family thing. We film the whole thing, argue a lot, listen to Christmas music and generally just have fun. On Christmas Eve we have people around and play board games and eat way too much. Christmas day dad hands out the presents. I’ve heard from a lot of people that they wake up, wonder downstairs and just open them. Either that or they’re in piles like my parents had. We always used to around my grandad’s and uncle’s house (he never left home until my grandad died) after opening presents in the morning too. It was a memory I will always hold fondly. Sitting in my grandad’s smoke filled living room, being face molested by his various dogs throughout the years, opening more presents, and seeing family we rarely saw; I miss it. I miss him.
“It’s definitely to do with the shoddy Christmases my parents had.”
Now these aren’t tradtions my siblings and I have created, my parents are responsible for them. It’s definitely to do with the shoddy Christmases my parents had. Mum’s dad would put the tree up on Christmas Eve and take it down Boxing day. Her parents were divorced so she’d spend Christmas between the two families and I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to not have my parents together. I guess I’m lucky, these days it seems as if marriage means nothing with the majority of my friend’s parents being split up. Dad’s Christmas was a little better, he put the tree up a week before Christmas and it came down the day after his birthday (the 28th which just so happens to be my birthday!). That’s another thing though, he didn’t get a present for his birthday. His parents couldn’t afford to buy him anything so close to Christmas so he got something minor, perhaps a book or something rubbish with his brothers and sisters getting much more as their birthdays were scattered throughout the year. I’m guessing that this was also in part due to his big family. My grandad adopted two kids when they were young; black, which at the time was somewhat controversial.
My dad is the Christmas person in our house. He wraps all the presents — he likes it — and has a mini disc (yes we invested in that dead technology) with around 100 Christmas songs on. He also does the majority of the present shopping to the horror of my mum. Mum is the sensible one. She worries a little too much but she looks after us all, keeping an eye on the money and cooking Christmas dinner.
Wrapping presents <3
I think that has to be my favourite aspect of Christmas actually. Dinner is fantastic and mum always does a fantastic job with little help from us lazy gits. It starts with a very ’70s, very yummy prawn cocktail about an hour before dinner is ready (I always want it sooner but I guess that’s just me being a fat bastard). Then it’s the usual turkey and trimmings topped off with some Christmas pud and clotted cream; mm, mmm. We usually have Christmas cake too and that’s something that’s changing this year. Dad being the Christmas man of the house usually makes the pud and cake but since mum and Sam are diabetic and Hannah hates both of them we’re not bothering this year. Ho Hum.
The food is one thing but it’s nice actually sitting around a table for a change. Christmas and New Year’s are the only days we actually do, kinda sad really but it does make the days special. Crackers are pulled off the tree that we so neatly put up and argued over and the Christmas mini disc goes on. Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without the music, I love it (Shakin’ Stevens is playing right now). It wouldn’t be Christmas without the films either. We’re in the midst of watching our massive collection of Christmas movies at the moment and it seems my dad has gone mad and is buying more and more. Still, nothing beats a bit of Home Alone. Then again it wouldn’t be Christmas without the mad rush I usually have to go through as I always leave Christmas present buying until last minute. This year is different though and I’m not sure I like it. I’ve bought the majority of my presents already and our tree isn’t even up yet, they’re all wrapped too.
This year is different though and maybe it’s not a bad thing, we’re not having ’stockings’ either, which were essentially pillow cases filled with little presents and placed beside our beds; we’re ‘too old for that’. You know, come to think of it I am feeling quite Christmassy. Why else would I decide to do Christmas shopping so early? Why else would I decide to make a Christmas playlist now? Why else would I moan about not putting the tree up? Why else would I make a Christmas avatar? Why else?
Yes, I love Christmas.
Merry Christmas x
It’s that time of the year, (unless you celebrate Eid, then it’s Monday) where you count the days until the fat dude with his red suit comes tumbling down your chimney.
I’m still a little kid inside, and I still get Mum to buy me an Advent calendar every year. I love Christmas, and I’ve been listening to Christmas music all week. I thought I’d take the opportunity to show you my top 10 Christmas songs.
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