I Can’t Even Come Out Right.
Nothing seems to go right when I’m involved, and as my nan said I’m a “walking disaster”. ‘Coming out’ (always hated that term, there is just something so patronising about it) was no exception in my case.
Like most, I came out to my friends first. I wasn’t ready to tell my parents for a long time afterwards but I eventually did. I was quite lucky, or at least I feel I was, as I came to terms with my sexuality when I was relatively young. I moved schools in year 5 to Bishopsworth Junior School, and one guy helped me a lot in understanding myself. He was going through the same as me at the time, only he was braver and asked someone he liked out (I know, at that age it’s pretty pointless).
At that time it was of course a big mistake. People didn’t really understand fully about sexuality and he got attacked severely, to the point where he wasn’t able to leave the buildings at break times and had to run home after school. I felt terrible for him and selfishly I felt scared for myself. I knew that I was gay even if I couldn’t name my feelings at that age. Over the next couple of (school) years my feelings for this guy progressed, and it was reassuring but also scary that I felt that way toward a guy after being told my entire life that girls and boys go together. I never did anything about them though, and was still scared to tell anyone how I felt after seeing what it did to him.
I guess I thought that moving to secondary school would change everything.
IT DID NOT.
I went on pretending as if I could change, ignoring and repressing my feelings as much as I could which I obviously could not; and when a girl asked me out and would take no for an answer, I eventually said yes. Evidentially this was a big mistake and I only ended up upsetting her in the end.
I think it was toward the end of year 8 that I finally decided I was ready to tell someone how I felt. At the time my best friend was Chelsea, and even though we hadn’t been friends for that long, it seemed as though I could trust her. I was totally surprised by her reaction when she said she “guessed” as much. Now, this may sound majorly stupid, but never has one thing made me feel so good. The confidence I got from that was immense, and it just felt good to be able to share my emotions with someone else for a change.
After telling Chelsea I thought I could trust some other people; I decided to tell more of my close friends which it seems was a mistake. The next day was one of the worst days I’ve ever had in school. Everyone miraculously found out about my sexuality, and the constant questions drove me insane to the point where I was once again denying it. I think the next few months were the worst for me though, up until the end of year 8 (which was way too soon to ‘come out’). At that time I was the only one to be open about my sexuality (subsequently most of my friends were also, it’s quite strange how I’m severely lacking in straight friends) and so I got the full force of the cunts.
The one lesson I remember the most was PE, I totally flipped out. I’d been having the worst day possible and the last two periods, PE, was the final straw. Some on the douches in my class decided it would be funny to shove hockey sticks up my ass; which it turns out it was not. I ended up having a breakdown and telling Mr. Hardie to “FUCK OFF”, which if you know me is surprising since I’m always a goodie-two-shoes. Kurt was amazing and stayed with me chatting for the whole lesson (love him, he’s so amazing) ridding of Danny Bees as he came up to nose, and see what the issue was.
Year 8 wasn’t all bad though. The end of that year sparked the arrival of a new kid; Jordan. Jordan was, and still is adorable and he was the first person I ever had a ‘gay experience’ with. We got quite friendly toward the summer holidays and saw each other frequently. Unfortunately he was going out with another guy, who was the guy from my primary school. I still feel really guilty for cheating with Jordan whilst he was with the guy, even if he never really liked him. After that Jordan and I never really spoke, it was awkward and was the first time something like that had happened to either of us.
The Parentals
Coming out to my parents was a really hard thing to do, and I still haven’t told my dad personally even though mum has. It was until a few months back that I actually told them, I can’t remember the specifics. Charlie and I had been discussing it for a few days in English. I don’t know what sparked my decision to tell my mum that but suddenly I decided that I was old enough to tell her without her judging me.
To be honest, I was a little surprised by her reaction. She has asked me previously if there was anything going on between me and Kurt that she “should know about” (not that she has any kind of right to know) and there wasn’t, had she asked if I’m gay it would’ve made things easier for me. On the other hand she had also said that if I came to her and told her I’m gay that’d she’d be upset as she “wants lots of grandchildren”. Anyway, I decided that the best place to tell her would be a car ride; that way she couldn’t avoid it and it would be a sure way to get her to talk to me about a seemingly difficult subject.
As we got into the car I said “Mum, I need to talk to you…I’m gay.” It was really strange, she went silent for like two minutes and then said
“No you’re not, you’re too young to know what you want.”
That made me really angry and she made it seem as if it was a choice which is something I have always hated people saying. I guess I really upset her, and I spent the rest of the night in my room not wanting to talk to anyone other than my sister (who I told shortly after I came out to friends as she went to the same school anyway). If you’re gonna come out, do not do it in a car. While the person you’re telling can’t escape, you can’t either and I think that’s a major issue as I just wanted the conversation to end.
It hasn’t been until lately that she has come to terms with it and I think that is mainly thanks to my dad. He seems perfectly okay with it which is opposite to what I expected. In hindsight I would’ve done a lot differently but at least I’m open about my sexuality (thanks to some amazing friends) — something which a lot of people still feel that can’t be.