Why Winter, Jesus?

"I'M THE KING OF CHRISTMAS!"

As you well know I love Christmas, that was frankly obvious from my post a couple of days ago. I was discussing with some friends yesterday as to why Christmas actually exists. Now I’m not talking about all that Jesus Jargon™ as nobody pays attention to that these days. I’m talking about why the hell it’s actually when it is in the year.

Everyone knows that it wasn’t the date of Mr. Christ’s birth, some twat way back when thought it would be a giggle to change it to the middle of the worst season, winter. You Aussies and Kiwis have it good, nice sunshine, a beach, pop some meat on the barb-e and rip open some pressies come the 25th. It was however some English dude that changed the date but why the fuck did he do it?

Let us expand a little before I answer this very important question that will decide the fate of all of our lives (even the Jews and Jehovahs are scared). Christmas is in the middle of Winter and there is this lame conspiracy theory that it was changed because it was in clashing with an otherwise more important holiday that nobody these days has heard of. Christmas is it. The big one. The top dog. JESUS’S FRICKING BIRTHDAY. Winter is the most hideous season, this is clear. There is nothing but having to force yourself to get out of bed to total darkness that could be mistaken for 10pm. The cold clasps you in its wrath, however hard you look there is no escape. This year it gets worse with more rain than ever before; at least that’s how it feels.

So why did this cretin put this wonderful day in the middle of a horrible month? “I think you’re being harsh, he’s no cretin!”. You know, you’re right. This fabulous man knew exactly what he was doing. He knew the English who had nothing but shoddy weather and horrible mornings needed a bloody break. Christmas is the only thing in the winter that people have to look forward to. A day off, time to relax and to get away from these mornings and this weather. I don’t know about you but I tried my damn-est to avoid leaving the house on the 25th and I don’t think I shall this year.

And I have just one thing to you people in the southern hemisphere: BASTARDS!